Bonnie+Barrett

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I take pictures with a Nikon Fe film camera. I write short stories. I compose poems.

 = A short story: Assumptions =

** Sitting here, the buzz on the ventilation of the fan caressing my ears the white porcelain mocking my reflection. ** “Six hours and forty minutes.” I recite to myself every morning. That’s one Harry Potter movie and four episodes of America’s Next Top Model, season seven. “Deb, it’s 6:00, you gotta get up.” said my mother, Jane. She is the most wonderful of mothers, but, I was well aware of the time. And, I’m well aware of the time most mornings but that does not change her lovely reminders. Grabbing the keys, I head towards the door, in too much of hurrying to worry about food, and that’s the way I like it. It’s not that I have a dislike for food, quite the opposite actually. I adore it, adoration to the point of obsession. But to avoid it was the plan. ** My finger creeps down my throat. I can’t stop it, yet I don’t like it. The linoleum floor is spinning. ** I was in aerobics class when the first remark was made. They didn’t think I’d put the loose ends together. They didn’t think I could hear. “She likes girls.” said supposed friend Clarissa. “Hey, Deborah! Your new haircut looks very butch.” “I’m working it though girl, aren’t I?” I reply, trying to play along. Two hours and 15 minutes left. I can do this. ** The shower is pounding, my heart is beating, my breathing stops. ** “Sam, I don’t fit into my jeans. I can’t handle this, I love cupcakes. I eat them, I hate myself, and cupcakes.” I confide to my best friend. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Deb, I don’t know why we love and hate food so much. But, you’re beautiful, know that.” she replied. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Oh and someone accused me of being lesbian today. Didn’t know I needed to apologize for not being easy and willing to give it all to a guy in my third period.” I continue to rant. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Seriously? High school is just a wonderful enviorment. Let’s just say we’re together, throw everyone curveball!” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“It’s a date. Let’s go get french fries. We earn them after surviving a day in this prison.” I say with a smile. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I feel my bones protruding from my skin. It’s not enough. I’m not good enough. I feel myself falling. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Deb? Deb, can you hear me?” my mom’s voice echoed. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Maa- mom? What happend? Where am I?” I reply. I know I’m talking but I can’t hear my voice. I hear a constant beep, tubes are lying upon my skin, the walls so white. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Honey, calm down. You’re at the hospital.” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Dave, get it here. She’s awake.” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Darling, it’s Dad. How are you feeling?” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Whaaa- what happened?” I ask. The tubes were closing me in, my muscles tightening, my throat burning. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “You passed out last night, dear. What’s been going on? Why are you making yourself throw up? I didn’t even know anything was going on with you. You seemed so happy.” I hear my Mom’s voice but I shut my eyes, and pretend to fall asleep. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">** I’m crying. I can’t keep the happy mask on anymore. It’s shedding with every lost intake. I’m hunched over, my head hung low. ** <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “Why did you choose to do this, Deborah?” said my new counselor, Lily. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I don’t know.” I reply, hoping my answer to be enough for her “analysis”. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “How is your school life going? You are a senior I see? On the right track to graduate? <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “Yeah! I’m really excited, you know? Time to grow up, adventure off, figure out my life. Lot’s of things but I can’t wait.” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">** Bum. Bum. Bum. I lay on the floor, finger drenched in my own vomit, eyes bloodshot. The shower pounding on the floor bounces off the four falls that provide me with a sanctuary. ** <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> I tell myself everyday, I’m not broken. I’m sure all girls have these moments. Why be honest when putting on the happy mask is so much easier? I keep my secrets locked in a box, and the key was tossed away a long while ago. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I look into the mirror at my fragile figure but see layers upon layers of scars and excessive thoughts that tear me open and forget to stich me up. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “The reason I never tell anyone about my eating disorder is I know what the follow up question will be. ‘Well then, why aren’t you skinny?’” I tell him. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “You know there is nothing wrong with getting help, trust me, I know it’s hard, but a professional will want to help you. They’re not going to tell you to go eat seven cupcakes, they will help you feel beautiful and find the potential you have.” Danny replies. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> We were walking along the road, I knew he was looking at me, analyzing. I look away, giggling. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “What are you laughing at?” he questions. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I find it amusing, the way assumptions work, people assume you’re something you’re not. People assume you want to do something you don’t. I assume. Why do we do it? Are we bored with life and need some spice so decide to play God and be the puppeteer? I say inbetween breaks of laughter. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> He grabs my hand. We walk. I assume he’s doing in in pity. Rather than assume, <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “Do you like me?” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I thought that would be a simple assumption.” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">** I leave my sanctuary, but not for good. Tomorrow the porclein will again mock my figure, the mirror remind me of my scars, the shower puttering caressing my ears. I will sit there regretting every action, word said, movement made. ** <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> My hands felt glued to the steering wheel. I sat in the parking lot watching cars come in and out. Cheeks burning with each tear fallen. My feet took step after step while my mind was lost in the trapped four-walled bathroom. The door, a push or a pull? I don’t need to find out, turning back around is just as easy as stepping forward. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “How can I help you?” said tall, slender receptionist whose nameplate read, “Eve”. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “I’m here for my 2:15 with Lily.” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">He held me in my arms, not assuming I needed it, rather knowing I did. The last moment I sat hunched, bones protruding. He found the key. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> Tears were now falling, no, streaming down my face. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “Lily, I’m broken. I need help.” <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> The bathroom is still my sanctuary. I enter and my knees go weak. I’m not magically fixed, but people know I’m happy. There is no need to assume.

= <span style="background-color: transparent; color: #000000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">A pass-around poem = <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Her name was Pinky = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">He loved everything about her = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">It was the middle of their life = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Never once told an outrageous lie = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Skipping, dancing, lovers = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">People shouting = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">An old hippie van shines “newly wed” = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">More trouble = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Stopping couldn’t occur fast enough = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Corruption. = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Such punishments after the alter = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Your hand, holding a bottle = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">An ungodly temperature, judgments upon him = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">My mitochondria drained of energy = =  <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Her voice demonstrated all godly qualities = =

= <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">A villanelle poem = <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Sitting, crying in his tears <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">My thoughts tied down. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The whispering of the soft wind caresses my ears <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Stone, images reflecting as if a mirror <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Walking the streets of downtown <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Sitting, crying in his tears <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Whistling the sweet song, hello dear, <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Fingertips familiar with the locks of brown. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The whispering of soft wind caresses my ears <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">So quick to find fear <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">My mind in your soul, drowning. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Sitting, crying in his tears <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I fumble for his hand endearing, <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">I won’t stop, lover, bring me down <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The whispering of the soft wind caresses my ears. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The trees are laughing, cans of beer; <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Tempting, lustful desires crowned <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Sitting, crying in his tears. <span style="background-color: #ffffff; font-family: Verdana,Geneva,sans-serif; font-size: medium;">The whispering of soft wind caressing my ears